3 Keys to Healing Your Heart After Breakup or Divorce

Kate Harlow: 00:00:00

Something changes in your life, and you are

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redirected. That redirection is meant for your soul, and there

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is so much magic on the other side. There is greater love than

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you can ever imagine when you actually surrender to what is

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when you accept what is you actually will open yourself up

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to, experiencing love far greater than the love you just

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experienced, the love you just experienced served a past

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version of you. But if you are ready to take this initiation

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from the universe and catapult into the next version of you,

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then you get to experience your next level of love, your next

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level of purpose, your next level of growth, your next level

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of your life.

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Hello, my loves kalomina, which in Greek, means happy new month.

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We are headed into the holiday seasons. Halloween is now behind

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us, and it's almost Christmas. How time is going by so fast? Is

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definitely my practice every day to create as much spaciousness

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as I can, because I definitely feel, I feel a sense of

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overwhelm with how fast time is going and how precious every

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moment is. And so I keep it, I keep it top of mind to

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consistently practice creating spaciousness, slowness,

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meditation, movement, doing things that actually allow me to

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just be really, really present in the day, in the moment and

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the experience I'm having, so that I can satiate in time,

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because it is just flying by. So I hope you're practicing the

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same I'm sitting here smelling the most extraordinary roses my

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the owner of the cottage that I live in lives next door to me,

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and her best friend owns a rose farm. And the roses in Kenya,

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it's actually one of the biggest producers of roses in for

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Europe. And the roses here are like a different caliber.

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They're so spectacular, they are massive, and they smell so

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strongly. I don't ever remember having roses that smell this

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strong in North America. So I'm so happy to have these beautiful

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roses. I'm going to see if I can somehow get them every week, but

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I can I have big ones behind me. If you're on my Instagram,

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you'll see the little clip of the episode, and there's a big

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bouquet of their pinky purple and and then I have a couple

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just sitting in front of me, so I can smell the scent really

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strongly, but wow, they're spectacular. So that's my Kenya

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plug for the day. I think I need to open a like tourism company

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over here, and because I promote Kenya so much, but it really is

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such a special place, I just it cracks my heart open. Every day

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I was driving home, I take Uber to my gym. Uber's really cheap

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here, too, and I take an Uber to my gym when I don't walk. And

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there that today, this guy named Kennedy picked me up, and he was

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so sweet. This this man. He was just like, Hi, Kate, how are you

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doing on this glorious day? And he was just so joyful and and I

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was like, Wow, I love your attitude. And he's like, life is

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so short, life is so precious. Why would we be anything but

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grateful for the day and grateful? And I was just like,

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holy crap. It was like a little sermon in the Uber ride. So it's

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such a special place. I hope, I hope you make it one day to

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Kenya. Come visit me. I'm doing retreats about once a year. It

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seems like I've been doing retreats for women who've been

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already worked with me and been to the immersion and but

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probably this February, my retreats full, but next

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February, I'll probably do another one. So lots of exciting

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things coming. One day you can come visit me in Kenya. But

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let's get into this topic. Today, I'm feeling just this

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tenderness in my heart for all the women out there who are

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right now going through massive change in their lives, a

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relationship ending, a breakup, heartbreak, maybe a marriage

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ending. And you know how painful and tender this time can be, and

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also how incredibly potent and transformational this time can

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be, which I talked about a little bit in last week's

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episode, but we're going to specifically today go into the

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keys to healing your heart after breakup and divorce, because it

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is such a powerful time to do the deeper healing. It's such a

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powerful time to reclaim yourself and your life and to to

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design your life in a way that actually deeply serves you, that

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is connected to your own desires, and it's it's just like

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a clean slate. But so many women get stuck in the fearful

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stories, what if I never find love again? Or they're stuck in

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the fantasy? Of wishing that this didn't happen and wanting

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to be with their ex, or they're in the horror story of how the

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ending happened and blaming their partner. We often stay so

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much in our heads and then create this pain internally over

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and over again, and we call it heartbreak. You know, my

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favorite saying is, it's not he who broke your heart, it is you,

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because it's not the actual thing that breaks us. It's the

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stories that we tell ourselves over and over and over again

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that that shatter our hearts. It's the beliefs that we carry

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about what happened and about what it means about us that

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shatter our hearts. So first, I want to start with talking about

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breakups and divorce and how we live in a world that still

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shames us on some level. For relationships ending, for women

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being on their own, for marriages ending, especially and

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you know that it's irresponsible or that you're a failure, or you

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know that it's not fair to your kids if you have children. And I

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just think that our relationships books, if we call

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them, if we look at it through this lens, our books on

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relationships are a little outdated. You know, it's like

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the relationship encyclopedia needs to be upgraded. The

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relationship manual needs to be upgraded. And of course, there

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is actually no manual. No one taught us how to do relationship

Kate Harlow: 00:06:31

and yet, we learned it through fairy tales. We learned it

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through watching movies and stories where every lead

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character is eventually finds their one true love, their

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person to walk through life with. And we've really glorified

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and romanticized that love, that the beauty of love is in

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longevity, that the beauty of love is in forever, and that

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that's what makes love special, is if it lasts forever. And yet

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it's such a crazy thing to me, because especially you know, if

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you're a woman listening to the new truth and growing yourself

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and evolving your soul, and you're here to become all that

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you were meant to be, it's highly unlikely that one person

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is going to be a match to you throughout All of the phases of

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your growth in your life, like that is a pretty special, rare

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thing. And then I even want to change the word special, because

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it's like, we've made it like that's the specialness. But how

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I perceive relationships is like, every relationship serves

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a purpose. Every relationship has something to teach us about

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ourselves. Even if it's a toxic, painful relationship, there's

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still something in there for you. There's something for you

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to learn, there's some part of yourself for you to awaken or

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step into. There's a reason you've attracted this toxic

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relationship. There's so much there available for you. And I

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just think of how many versions of myself I've been. I'm 44

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years old, and I've been like so many versions of myself. So to

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think that, you know, I look back at my my loves, and I mean,

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my high school sweetheart, James, I used to say I was going

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to marry him in high school. And I remember my my best friend, my

Kate Harlow: 00:08:24

best friend, Darren, at the time in high school, used to

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challenge it. He was like, Yeah, right. He's like, you're not

Kate Harlow: 00:08:29

going to marry James. You were in high school right now. Like,

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there's no way. And I was like, I bet you a million dollars. And

Kate Harlow: 00:08:35

we had so many fights about it. And I was like, Shania Twain,

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from this moment, is going to be our wedding song. And I was

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certain we were going to get married, and then, and then

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James and I broke up, and then I dated Joel. And that was certain

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Joel and I were going to get married. And then I dated my

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next significant one, I'd say is, was Byron, this beautiful,

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beautiful man from Australia. And I was like, absolutely

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certain we were going to get married, even when we broke up.

Kate Harlow: 00:09:01

I was like, Byron and I are meant to be together. And nope.

Kate Harlow: 00:09:06

And then I and then I was with Charlie for five years, who I've

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talked a lot about on the podcast over the years. Charlie

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was significant because we were together for five years. All the

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other ones were about a year, year and a half, and Charlie and

Kate Harlow: 00:09:18

I were together at a time where all my friends were getting

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married, so I was like, for sure, we're gonna get married.

Kate Harlow: 00:09:23

Everyone's getting married. And we named our kids, and we talked

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about our destination wedding we were gonna have. And then I

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outgrew that one when I turned 30 and decided to go on a quest

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and a journey to fall in love with myself. And I actually sat

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out on a quest to learn how to fall in love with myself. This

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was five years into my journey of being a coach, I was already

Kate Harlow: 00:09:43

a coach. I was already I was already helping people. Was a

Kate Harlow: 00:09:47

business coach at the time, but I knew there was something

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fundamentally wrong, because every time I was in a

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relationship, I wasn't happy. I was only happy for the beginning

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in the honeymoon phase. So I look back at these.

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Relationships and every single one serves such a beautiful

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purpose, and yet I, the woman I am today, would no longer be a

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match to Charlie. The woman I am today would no longer be a match

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to Jeff, who I was with four years ago. We keep evolving. And

Kate Harlow: 00:10:17

who we surround ourselves with evolves too, even friendships

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you probably noticed on your own growth journey. The more you

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grow and shift, the more old friendships that are based on

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saboteur patterns no longer fit. Right? If you have to sacrifice

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yourself in order to keep a friendship going, or you have to

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be small in your marriage in order to keep your partner

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happy, then that's not going to last. When you become the

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opposite of that, right, when you grow into more of who you

Kate Harlow: 00:10:44

are. So I that's I wanted to start first with, like,

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normalizing divorce, normalizing breakup. It's not a failure. It

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is an experience. And every experience there's a purpose.

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And, you know, so many women are like, Oh, I don't want to impact

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my kids. I don't want to hurt my kids by separating, like, let's

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normalize that relationships aren't all going to last

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forever. Let's normalize that for kids I had. I remember

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having one client a few years back who was so her kids, her

Kate Harlow: 00:11:13

her husband left her, and that she was heartbroken, and then we

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started working together and started healing her heart, and I

Kate Harlow: 00:11:22

remember her saying, my kids are getting to the age where they're

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starting to ask questions and I don't know what to tell them.

Kate Harlow: 00:11:27

And I said, Tell them the truth, and tell them that it's so

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normal that so many kids have parents who aren't together

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anymore and have parents who've remarried other people, so many

Kate Harlow: 00:11:39

like it's just normal, and yet we still, even to our children,

Kate Harlow: 00:11:44

want them to perceive life in this perfect fantasy that's

Kate Harlow: 00:11:48

serving your kids, they're going to grow up and be heartbroken by

Kate Harlow: 00:11:52

the reality of life. We keep feeding the fantasy to ourselves

Kate Harlow: 00:11:57

by, you know, what we consume, watching movies, believing

Kate Harlow: 00:12:01

there's just this one knight in shining armor who's going to be

Kate Harlow: 00:12:03

everything to you. And that's another problem with

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relationships. In the modern world, we expect men to be

Kate Harlow: 00:12:08

everything, and they never will be. Like, there's so much that

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women get from female relationships that they cannot

Kate Harlow: 00:12:14

get from men, but they're trying to get from men, and then we

Kate Harlow: 00:12:17

demasculate men. And of course, like, if you're with women, it's

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the same thing. We're trying to get something. We're trying to

Kate Harlow: 00:12:23

have this person be everything to us, which is not sustainable,

Kate Harlow: 00:12:26

ever, ever, ever, ever. And that's the problem with the old

Kate Harlow: 00:12:30

paradigm. Is this idea that this person's going to just sweep you

Kate Harlow: 00:12:32

off your feet and be everything to you for the rest of your

Kate Harlow: 00:12:35

life, which is absolutely not true. Never going to happen. So

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normalize it for your kids. Normalize like, yeah, even if

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your partner left you for another woman and you went

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through heartbreak, normalize that too, because it happens,

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right? These things happen because we're so distorted

Kate Harlow: 00:12:52

around love. We're we're we have such skewed expectations and

Kate Harlow: 00:12:57

lack of relational skills inside of marriages, inside of

Kate Harlow: 00:13:00

relationships, and we just expect it. You sign a contract

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and have a fancy day that you spend $100,000 on and invite all

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your friends and take fancy pictures and wear a beautiful

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$20,000 dress. And you think, I made that up. I don't know how

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much wedding dresses are, but you think that means you're just

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going to have a happy life forever. It's like you have to

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know how to have a healthy relationship, and you have to

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know how to be in a healthy relationship with yourself. And

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also you have to know when to let go. So today, we're going to

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talk about healing your heart after a breakup and divorce. And

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everything I say is with love. This you know, the reason we are

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so the reason we feel so much pain and heartbreak when

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relationships end is because of all the fantasy thinking around

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love. Is because of that fairy tale story that like it ended.

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Now I'm a failure. Now there's something wrong with me. What if

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I never find love again? And I'm here to tell you, as I tell you,

Kate Harlow: 00:13:56

in every episode, the love that you've been seeking in your

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marriage, in every relationship, every person you've dated is all

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ready inside of you. It's not somebody else, it's you. And so

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I'm going to talk about the three keys to starting the

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healing journey so that you can take this time of pain and and

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sadness and heartbreak and contraction and shame and fit

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feeling like a failure and whatever is arising for you in

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this place, and you can use that pain as a portal to awaken into

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more of who you are. So I first, I'm going to plug my starting

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over workshop that I have coming up next weekend. It's Friday,

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Saturday, Sunday. If you can't make it one of the days, that's

Kate Harlow: 00:14:46

no problem. We're going to record each day. It's two and a

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half hours each morning. If you're in North America, it's

Kate Harlow: 00:14:52

eight till 1030 Pacific every single morning. And it's going

Kate Harlow: 00:14:58

to be the I will be. Doing live Hot Seat coaching. It's going to

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be very intimate. We're going to be on zoom all women going

Kate Harlow: 00:15:06

through heartbreak, divorce, big transitions, big changes. I just

Kate Harlow: 00:15:11

ended a three year relationship and moved to Africa, all in the

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span of a few months, and I've walked through all the practices

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I'll be teaching you, and all of the the

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tools that I'll be sharing with you are practices and tools that

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I've used on my own healing journey. And I have to say that

Kate Harlow: 00:15:31

at this point in my journey, I'm quite masterful at walking

Kate Harlow: 00:15:35

through big change and big ruptures. And you know, I left a

Kate Harlow: 00:15:39

seven year relationship about three and a half years ago and

Kate Harlow: 00:15:44

moved to Greece, moved from Canada, left everything behind

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and moved to the other side of the world, immersed in a brand

Kate Harlow: 00:15:50

new culture, a brand new experience. And then I just did

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it again. Left a three year relationship and moved to

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Africa. And I've, I've really mastered this, turning

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heartbreak and massive change into a portal for awakening, a

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portal for growth, a portal to step into the next version of

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yourself, to reinvent yourself. It is such a powerful, catalytic

Kate Harlow: 00:16:16

time, and I've also walked hundreds of women through this

Kate Harlow: 00:16:20

portal as well. I've worked with so many women who are newly

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divorced, newly separated, newly going through big breakups, big

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changes, and help them use that time like the energy. If you

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just think of emotions as energy, when you have really

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painful emotions, it's actually the most powerful time for

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growth and change and healing, but it's only powerful if you

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are intentional, if you know how to how to walk through this

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portal and how to do it differently, if you're just

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living in the stories in your mind, if you're just ruminating

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and arguing with reality, wishing it was different,

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thinking you should have something that you don't,

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worried about your future, worried about the unknown. If

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you're just feeding the fear based stories in your mind,

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you're going to suffer. And this time won't be a catalyst for a

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new beginning, but it's such a powerful, powerful time. So the

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number one, most important thing, first step to healing

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your heart after an a big ending, a big transition, is to

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accept what is fully. And this is so important, because if we

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don't accept fully where we are and what we're experiencing,

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we're arguing with reality. And there's that saying, when you

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argue with reality, you lose 100% of the time, right? If you

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are feeding stories that you're a failure, that there's

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something wrong with you, you're never going to find love again.

Kate Harlow: 00:17:47

You should be with your partner. This shouldn't have happened.

Kate Harlow: 00:17:50

That woman he left you for wronged you like you're just in

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the story of the thing. You are going to stay trapped in this

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purgatory, in this place in between, rather than use this as

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an opportunity to growth, to grow. So the first, most

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important thing is to fully accept what is right. And this

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is like spirituality, 101, if we don't accept what is happening,

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even if it's something we really, really, really don't

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want to happen, if we don't fully accept it, then you then

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you're stuck in the in between, and you will be trapped in

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heartbreak for a really long time. Whenever a woman says,

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like, Oh, I've been grieving. I've been heartbroken for years,

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or I'm like, still hung up over my ex from five years ago, I

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know that her saboteur is running her life. I know that

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she is swimming in stories that are arguing with reality rather

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than trusting the divinity of life. So here's what's going to

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help you with acceptance. It is your connection to your

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divinity. And if you don't believe there is a universe,

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Source Energy, God, the divine. If you don't believe that

Kate Harlow: 00:19:03

there's something greater happening here, then you are

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suffering. And so I encourage you to find your own path, your

Kate Harlow: 00:19:12

own Spark, to believing in more. Because if we zoom out, there is

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a divine orchestration to all of it, all of it, everything that

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is meant for you will come to you. Everything that is not

Kate Harlow: 00:19:25

meant for you will be spat out. You will be redirected in your

Kate Harlow: 00:19:29

life over and over and over again, and your saboteur ego

Kate Harlow: 00:19:32

mind will tell you, Oh, no, no, no, no. You need to hold on to

Kate Harlow: 00:19:36

that comfortable thing that I used to know that you that used

Kate Harlow: 00:19:39

to keep keep me safe in some way, you need to hold on to the

Kate Harlow: 00:19:42

past. But if you keep yourself holding on to the past, you're

Kate Harlow: 00:19:46

going to miss the magic that's meant for you. You're going to

Kate Harlow: 00:19:49

miss the soul journey that's meant for you. So in this place

Kate Harlow: 00:19:53

of arguing with reality, you're you're basically telling life,

Kate Harlow: 00:19:58

no, this is wrong. This is not. How it should be. But I'm here

Kate Harlow: 00:20:02

to speak on behalf of life and this magical universe that you

Kate Harlow: 00:20:06

are a part of, that if something is something changes in your

Kate Harlow: 00:20:12

life and you are redirected, that redirection is meant for

Kate Harlow: 00:20:15

your soul, and there is so much magic on the other side, there

Kate Harlow: 00:20:20

is greater love than you can ever imagine when you actually

Kate Harlow: 00:20:23

surrender to what is, when you accept what is you actually will

Kate Harlow: 00:20:30

open yourself up to experiencing love far greater than the love

Kate Harlow: 00:20:33

you just experienced, the love you just experienced served a

Kate Harlow: 00:20:37

past version of you. But if you are ready to take this

Kate Harlow: 00:20:42

initiation from the universe and catapult into the next version

Kate Harlow: 00:20:46

of you. Then you get to experience your next level of

Kate Harlow: 00:20:50

love, your next level of purpose, your next level of

Kate Harlow: 00:20:53

growth, your next level of your life. But so many women are

Kate Harlow: 00:20:58

holding on to the past stories and the fear that nothing

Kate Harlow: 00:21:02

greater is coming. I remember when Charlie and I ended our

Kate Harlow: 00:21:06

relationship after five years. I remember thinking, God, nobody

Kate Harlow: 00:21:10

will ever love me like he loved me. No way he was so romantic

Kate Harlow: 00:21:15

and sweet and loving and oh my gosh, nobody will ever love me

Kate Harlow: 00:21:19

that much. And guess what I learned right after I left

Kate Harlow: 00:21:22

Charlie, like the next three years, I went on a quest, and I

Kate Harlow: 00:21:27

learned to love myself beyond what I've ever experienced from

Kate Harlow: 00:21:31

a man. And now what I experience in my life is like infinite

Kate Harlow: 00:21:35

love, not just from like I experienced love from my Uber

Kate Harlow: 00:21:39

drivers, love from the people at the gym. Love from, I mean, in

Kate Harlow: 00:21:43

Greece, every single person at every store I went to, love from

Kate Harlow: 00:21:46

my sisters, the women in my life. I have the most deepest,

Kate Harlow: 00:21:50

profound female relationships and and love in so many

Kate Harlow: 00:21:55

different forms. And then, of course, every romantic

Kate Harlow: 00:21:58

relationship I experienced past Charlie was deeper, right?

Kate Harlow: 00:22:02

Because I was more of who I am. So every time we go through the

Kate Harlow: 00:22:07

rupture, and we're willing to walk through the fire and walk

Kate Harlow: 00:22:10

through the pain and be with our pain and feel our pain, and open

Kate Harlow: 00:22:14

the portal door to the other side, to the next version of

Kate Harlow: 00:22:19

ourselves, you experience more love, because you're more of who

Kate Harlow: 00:22:23

you are. That's the thing, like, if you're loving, if you've been

Kate Harlow: 00:22:28

loving in the past, from your patterns, you think that's the

Kate Harlow: 00:22:31

greatest love you'll ever experience. But I promise you,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:34

it gets so much richer and so much deeper when you when you

Kate Harlow: 00:22:39

keep awakening more of who you are, and that's why we

Kate Harlow: 00:22:44

experience these big, catalytic, painful awakenings, is to wake

Kate Harlow: 00:22:49

up parts of ourselves that are shut down. And there's so many

Kate Harlow: 00:22:54

opportunities in our lifetimes to do that, but if we just hold

Kate Harlow: 00:22:58

on to what was and who we were and how our relationship was oh,

Kate Harlow: 00:23:01

but it was so good in the beginning, like our marriage was

Kate Harlow: 00:23:04

amazing at the beginning, I just want to hold on.

Kate Harlow: 00:23:08

You're holding yourself back from stepping into who you're

Kate Harlow: 00:23:12

becoming, because you're not the woman you were when you married

Kate Harlow: 00:23:15

this person, and they're not the man or the woman they were when

Kate Harlow: 00:23:18

they married you. And the same is true for a relationship

Kate Harlow: 00:23:23

that's ending. It doesn't matter if you're married or not, you

Kate Harlow: 00:23:27

have evolved, and maybe somehow your stories will come back

Kate Harlow: 00:23:31

together one day, but only if that's actually right for you.

Kate Harlow: 00:23:34

So that might, that might be a story you can tell that scared

Kate Harlow: 00:23:38

little girl inside, because the part of you that's scared about

Kate Harlow: 00:23:41

the unknown, the part of you that's scared of making a

Kate Harlow: 00:23:44

mistake, that's scared of doing it wrong, that's scared of

Kate Harlow: 00:23:46

failing, that's a child that is a young part of you that just

Kate Harlow: 00:23:49

needs you to tell her everything's going to be okay.

Kate Harlow: 00:23:52

I've got this the universe has got this. Life has our back, and

Kate Harlow: 00:23:57

we're going to grow from this. And if this love is meant to

Kate Harlow: 00:24:00

change form and come back one day it will, or something

Kate Harlow: 00:24:03

greater will, so acceptance, surrender to what is and

Kate Harlow: 00:24:08

remembering the divine orchestration of life. And you

Kate Harlow: 00:24:13

know, if you have a hard time believing in the divine

Kate Harlow: 00:24:15

orchestration of life, perhaps do some reflecting of your life,

Kate Harlow: 00:24:20

of something that changed unexpectedly, or some event that

Kate Harlow: 00:24:24

you went through that rocked you at the time was so hard and

Kate Harlow: 00:24:28

painful and you were in such attachment to that thing. And

Kate Harlow: 00:24:33

see how it like look back at how that experience actually woke

Kate Harlow: 00:24:39

something up in you, or called forth another part of you or

Kate Harlow: 00:24:43

changed your life in a beautiful way. Sometimes we have to train

Kate Harlow: 00:24:47

our brain, maybe not sometimes, always, we have to train our

Kate Harlow: 00:24:49

brain to see the evidence of the truth, of our divinity, of the

Kate Harlow: 00:24:55

truth, truth of all the magical moments that happen and all the

Kate Harlow: 00:24:58

synchronistic things. That occur when you follow your heart, when

Kate Harlow: 00:25:01

you listen to life, when you trust the redirections that

Kate Harlow: 00:25:04

happen. So start collecting evidence, rather than spending

Kate Harlow: 00:25:09

all your time feeding the fear based stories in your mind. The

Kate Harlow: 00:25:11

more you feed the fear based stories, the more you are in

Kate Harlow: 00:25:14

suffering, the more attached you are to this past experience and

Kate Harlow: 00:25:19

to what should be different than it is, or to the to the mean

Kate Harlow: 00:25:23

thoughts that are causing you more pain and suffering, the

Kate Harlow: 00:25:26

more you just stay stuck. This is an opportunity for you to

Kate Harlow: 00:25:30

heal own, own it, accept it, surrender to it, and so much

Kate Harlow: 00:25:36

healing can occur, and so much transformation can occur. So

Kate Harlow: 00:25:40

that's the first step. The second step is transform. So

Kate Harlow: 00:25:44

first step is to accept. The second step is to transform. So

Kate Harlow: 00:25:47

use this time as an opportunity to heal that little girl who's

Kate Harlow: 00:25:52

terrified to feel your grief. Right? This doesn't mean you

Kate Harlow: 00:25:56

just skip over grief and you're like roses and sunshine,

Kate Harlow: 00:25:59

everything's perfect. You need to feel the pain, but know the

Kate Harlow: 00:26:03

difference between feeding the stories that are causing pain,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:07

playing love songs over and over again about being with someone

Kate Harlow: 00:26:10

forever, and crying your eyes out and swimming in the story

Kate Harlow: 00:26:13

that there's something wrong with you, or if only you were

Kate Harlow: 00:26:17

more beautiful, he would have stayed or or that you you're

Kate Harlow: 00:26:20

harming your children, or whatever the thing is, whatever

Kate Harlow: 00:26:23

the story is, or your failure, whatever the story is that

Kate Harlow: 00:26:26

you've been believing. If you just keep beating that drum and

Kate Harlow: 00:26:31

and and crying your eyes out while beating the drum of the

Kate Harlow: 00:26:34

stories of shame and blame and judgment towards yourself,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:37

towards this other person, towards what happened, you are

Kate Harlow: 00:26:41

actually reinforcing your pain, and you are hurting your

Kate Harlow: 00:26:46

saboteur, I'll say is hurting that little girl inside of you,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:49

that young part of you that feel that is taking this personally,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:53

that is in contraction, rather than letting her just feel her

Kate Harlow: 00:26:58

feeling. So know the difference, imagine like intentional feeling

Kate Harlow: 00:27:02

is you're feeling sad, you have all this emotion. You've been

Kate Harlow: 00:27:05

avoiding it, you've been working you've been pushing it to the

Kate Harlow: 00:27:07

side, you've been numbing your feelings. And you create a safe

Kate Harlow: 00:27:11

space for yourself to feel. Run a bubble bath. Put some rose

Kate Harlow: 00:27:15

petals in it. Put some essential oils in it. Put on some music.

Kate Harlow: 00:27:19

There's a beautiful song by Jai Jai gadeesh called in dreams.

Kate Harlow: 00:27:23

That's one of my favorite songs. Actually, I did a cold plunge in

Kate Harlow: 00:27:27

Nairobi last January, and I picked that as my song we played

Kate Harlow: 00:27:31

at the immersion a lot. It's a deeply healing song, and it's a

Kate Harlow: 00:27:35

song written to your inner child. And I was in the cold

Kate Harlow: 00:27:39

plunge one minute into the cold plunge, trying to sing, but it

Kate Harlow: 00:27:42

was three degrees Celsius, so I was I was so cold, I couldn't

Kate Harlow: 00:27:45

breathe, so I couldn't sing. And one minute in, I was like,

Kate Harlow: 00:27:49

trying to sing. My voice was cracking, and I just started

Kate Harlow: 00:27:52

sobbing. And everyone in the room there was eight of us was

Kate Harlow: 00:27:57

crying. Everyone. Some people were crying. They didn't know

Kate Harlow: 00:28:00

me. They were crying because they didn't they never heard the

Kate Harlow: 00:28:03

song before, and they were so deeply moved by it. And then two

Kate Harlow: 00:28:08

of my friends that were in the room were crying because they

Kate Harlow: 00:28:10

were feeling me, because I was crying, and I had no reason to

Kate Harlow: 00:28:13

cry. I wasn't sad, just something cracked open, and I

Kate Harlow: 00:28:17

just started to feel, this is this is feeling to heal. If you

Kate Harlow: 00:28:22

want to heal, you have to just allow your feelings to be there

Kate Harlow: 00:28:26

and love yourself through the feelings, rather than feed the

Kate Harlow: 00:28:29

story that is perpetuating the feelings. So so often we get

Kate Harlow: 00:28:34

stuck in the feeling, in the heartbreak, and it's like I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:28:38

heartbroken for months on end. Well, that means you're just in

Kate Harlow: 00:28:41

a story about what happened, and you're not actually truly

Kate Harlow: 00:28:44

feeling your feelings. So set a container where you're honoring

Kate Harlow: 00:28:49

the little part of you that needs to feel, that needs to

Kate Harlow: 00:28:52

cry, that needs to scream, that needs to let it out, and maybe

Kate Harlow: 00:28:55

it looks like a bubble bath. And that song in dreams by Jai

Kate Harlow: 00:28:58

Jagadish, it's so beautiful. I'm going to listen to it actually

Kate Harlow: 00:29:01

after I'm done recording. I love that song,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:04

so do that and let yourself like, light some candles. Have a

Kate Harlow: 00:29:08

bubble bath in the dark, hold your heart and just like sing

Kate Harlow: 00:29:11

and feel. If you don't know the words, I highly recommend you

Kate Harlow: 00:29:15

learn them, because it's also really cathartic, healing song

Kate Harlow: 00:29:17

to sing, but just let your heart go, let yourself feel without

Kate Harlow: 00:29:23

story. And you know another practice is non linear movement.

Kate Harlow: 00:29:27

I talk a lot about, get on your hands and knees, close your

Kate Harlow: 00:29:29

eyes, put on meditation music, or non linear movement music,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:32

and just move your body until the feelings start to move

Kate Harlow: 00:29:37

without singing without or you can sing without talking,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:41

without opening your eyes, like actually, just without feeding a

Kate Harlow: 00:29:45

story, but just notice sensation in your body, and move the

Kate Harlow: 00:29:49

energy of that sensation. There's so many practices and

Kate Harlow: 00:29:52

tools you can write to that younger part of you that needs

Kate Harlow: 00:29:54

to vent the story. Let your saboteur vent the story, as I

Kate Harlow: 00:29:58

always talk about, but don't. Feed it like let your saboteur

Kate Harlow: 00:30:02

vent it in your journal and then rip it up and stop feeding that

Kate Harlow: 00:30:05

story. So use this as an opportunity to heal and

Kate Harlow: 00:30:09

transform. Another way to do this is to actually shift gears

Kate Harlow: 00:30:15

and decide that you're going to make this healing time, the time

Kate Harlow: 00:30:22

that you are going to fall in love with yourself, that you're

Kate Harlow: 00:30:26

going to romance yourself, that you're going to date yourself,

Kate Harlow: 00:30:30

right? How often do women go through breakups and either say

Kate Harlow: 00:30:34

or divorce and either say, I'm never dating again, and they

Kate Harlow: 00:30:37

shut down completely and basically close their hearts,

Kate Harlow: 00:30:40

which is only hurting you. It's not actually helping anything.

Kate Harlow: 00:30:45

Or other side of the pendulum, they just start dating again and

Kate Harlow: 00:30:48

want to fill that void with sex or with men or with attention or

Kate Harlow: 00:30:52

validation or another boyfriend, so they don't have to feel the

Kate Harlow: 00:30:54

pain. But now you're just like skipping, going from one pattern

Kate Harlow: 00:30:58

to another, and wherever you go, there you are. You're just going

Kate Harlow: 00:31:01

to attract the same thing over and over again. You're not going

Kate Harlow: 00:31:04

to be able to have that deep, healthy, thriving relationships,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:07

because you're trying to fill a void with somebody else. And

Kate Harlow: 00:31:12

that's the problem, that was the problem to begin with, right? Is

Kate Harlow: 00:31:14

that you gave yourself away on your wedding day, and you said,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:18

until death, do us part, and you never even made vows to

Kate Harlow: 00:31:20

yourself. You made vows to another person that you would be

Kate Harlow: 00:31:23

there through sickness and then health, but then you're not

Kate Harlow: 00:31:26

doing that for yourself. Like, how many, how many of you? Like,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:30

how many times have you been sick and you've been mad at your

Kate Harlow: 00:31:33

body and you've been mad at what's happening and you've been

Kate Harlow: 00:31:35

blaming yourself and you've been beating yourself up? That's not,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:39

that's not about, you know vowing to yourself that you'll

Kate Harlow: 00:31:43

be there no matter what like you vowed to your husband. So let

Kate Harlow: 00:31:47

this be the opportunity that you decide to date yourself, to

Kate Harlow: 00:31:51

marry yourself, to to make vows to yourself. If only every woman

Kate Harlow: 00:31:57

did this, we would have a very different world with much

Kate Harlow: 00:32:01

healthier relationships, if you were in true devotion to

Kate Harlow: 00:32:04

yourself. So let this time be the time that you invest in

Kate Harlow: 00:32:09

yourself. Be the time that you hire a coach or a mentor, a

Kate Harlow: 00:32:13

guide to help you heal your heart. Let this time be the time

Kate Harlow: 00:32:17

that you surround yourself in community and you learn to love

Kate Harlow: 00:32:21

yourself in ways that you've never known how to love yourself

Kate Harlow: 00:32:24

before, and it starts with really understanding your

Kate Harlow: 00:32:28

patterns, understanding like no matter what happened inside of

Kate Harlow: 00:32:31

your divorce or your breakup, you played a part, even if on

Kate Harlow: 00:32:35

paper it looked like they were the bad guy, you played a part.

Kate Harlow: 00:32:39

So what was your part? Get to know your saboteur. Get to know

Kate Harlow: 00:32:43

that you can take the saboteur mini course that's on my site.

Kate Harlow: 00:32:47

Get to know your saboteur. Get to know what parts of your

Kate Harlow: 00:32:51

wounds played into this relationship so that you can

Kate Harlow: 00:32:54

actually alchemize them, so you can change and transform from

Kate Harlow: 00:32:58

this experience and not be the same version of yourself in your

Kate Harlow: 00:33:02

next relationship, right? So use this as a time to learn to love

Kate Harlow: 00:33:07

yourself, and having a mentor or a guide during this time will be

Kate Harlow: 00:33:12

the best gift you could give yourself. You could always reach

Kate Harlow: 00:33:16

out to me. I do have this course coming up. It's only $97 and

Kate Harlow: 00:33:21

actually, if you sign up before November 5, which I believe is

Kate Harlow: 00:33:25

Wednesday this week, if you sign up before November 5, you get to

Kate Harlow: 00:33:28

come to starting over for $47 it's 50% off. It's 50 bucks. You

Kate Harlow: 00:33:33

get to come be in a community of women going through a similar

Kate Harlow: 00:33:38

transition. You get to learn how to walk yourself through this

Kate Harlow: 00:33:42

journey with love, with grace, with power, and how to transform

Kate Harlow: 00:33:47

from this experience, I've curated a three day event, two

Kate Harlow: 00:33:51

and a half hours each morning, November, 7 to 10th, to walk you

Kate Harlow: 00:33:55

through exactly this. And at the same time, you're going to be

Kate Harlow: 00:33:58

building community, which is actually number three. So it's

Kate Harlow: 00:34:02

designed to help you transform. So you can do that with me. If

Kate Harlow: 00:34:05

you want to go deeper, you can always work privately with me. I

Kate Harlow: 00:34:08

have, I actually have one opening right now for private,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:12

and then I have another one opening in December, and then

Kate Harlow: 00:34:15

there's two spots left at the next immersion. Like there's so

Kate Harlow: 00:34:18

much available for you here, but you can start with starting

Kate Harlow: 00:34:21

over. It's three days, and you will be surrounded by amazing

Kate Harlow: 00:34:25

women who are also devoted to doing this differently. So the

Kate Harlow: 00:34:29

last key to healing your heart after breakup is sisterhood.

Kate Harlow: 00:34:34

It's community, and it's not just friends who feed your

Kate Harlow: 00:34:38

saboteur. Like most women have friends who come over when

Kate Harlow: 00:34:42

they're going through divorce and agree that they're, yeah,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:45

your husband's an asshole. Like, what a horrible person. Like,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:49

let's talk about I remember having this beautiful client, oh

Kate Harlow: 00:34:52

my gosh. I loved working with her so much, and when I met her,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:55

she was heartbroken a year after five. Finding out her husband

Kate Harlow: 00:35:01

had cheated on her many times over many years, and they had

Kate Harlow: 00:35:03

little kids together, and she was devastated. And when we

Kate Harlow: 00:35:07

first met, I've shared this story before, but it's such a

Kate Harlow: 00:35:09

powerful one, because when we first met, she was so addicted

Kate Harlow: 00:35:12

to the story of him being a bad guy, and every friend in her

Kate Harlow: 00:35:17

life was also addicted to it too. You see, most women are

Kate Harlow: 00:35:21

operating in their friendships from their saboteurs, and if

Kate Harlow: 00:35:24

they are, they're going to want to gossip with you. They're

Kate Harlow: 00:35:26

going to want to collude. They're going to want to make

Kate Harlow: 00:35:28

the other person wrong and bad, which actually doesn't heal

Kate Harlow: 00:35:33

anything. All it does is solidify the story that you're a

Kate Harlow: 00:35:37

victim, that there's something wrong with you, that this that

Kate Harlow: 00:35:41

that you and solidifying the story that somebody else is

Kate Harlow: 00:35:44

responsible for your pain, which means there's no opportunity to

Kate Harlow: 00:35:48

heal and grow, right? If you were in blame and victim

Kate Harlow: 00:35:51

mentality, you cannot grow. You will stay in in captivity, and

Kate Harlow: 00:35:56

you'll stay hooked into this toxic story, thinking it's the

Kate Harlow: 00:36:00

thing that happened that's keeping you hooked in but it's

Kate Harlow: 00:36:03

actually your perspective, and it's your friends that are

Kate Harlow: 00:36:06

supporting that. So this beautiful woman and I were

Kate Harlow: 00:36:08

working together, and our very first call, I remember her

Kate Harlow: 00:36:11

talking about how every time she hung out with a friend, that's

Kate Harlow: 00:36:13

all they would talk about, is what's he doing now? Because she

Kate Harlow: 00:36:16

had kids with him, so she was still in relationship with this

Kate Harlow: 00:36:19

man, in parenting partnership, and she would gossip with them,

Kate Harlow: 00:36:24

and they would like get off on her gossip. That's what happens.

Kate Harlow: 00:36:27

People get off on our struggles, because the saboteur loves

Kate Harlow: 00:36:32

righteousness, loves to make other people wrong, loves to

Kate Harlow: 00:36:35

blame that's why we watch reality TV like it. Loves the

Kate Harlow: 00:36:38

drama, so your saboteur is going to look for other saboteurs to

Kate Harlow: 00:36:42

feed the drama. So in the moment, you feel a little bit

Kate Harlow: 00:36:45

more powerful, you feel righteous, you feel right, you

Kate Harlow: 00:36:49

feel validated. And then what happens? You go home, your

Kate Harlow: 00:36:53

friends are gone. And now what you feel way, way, way worse,

Kate Harlow: 00:36:59

right? It might have felt better in that moment, but then you

Kate Harlow: 00:37:02

feel like you want to die after the problem just got 10 times

Kate Harlow: 00:37:05

bigger instead of smaller. It's kind of like doing ecstasy.

Kate Harlow: 00:37:09

Like, feel so blissful in the moment, but then you feel like

Kate Harlow: 00:37:11

you want to kill yourself the next day. Like, is that actually

Kate Harlow: 00:37:14

worth it? So that's what happens when we are in these these

Kate Harlow: 00:37:19

saboteur dynamics with friends, right? That's not the

Kate Harlow: 00:37:23

sisterhood. I'm talking about. It is essential to receive love

Kate Harlow: 00:37:28

and support and empowerment, and that's what's different inside

Kate Harlow: 00:37:32

of a community like the community that that I've built

Kate Harlow: 00:37:35

over the years, the reclamation community, the immersion

Kate Harlow: 00:37:38

community, expanded love, it's really the expanded love method,

Kate Harlow: 00:37:41

but it's women who've done expanded love. I do an expanded

Kate Harlow: 00:37:44

love weekend that's just for the women inside of my communities

Kate Harlow: 00:37:47

every year, and this community is so special because these

Kate Harlow: 00:37:51

women have all the time and space to hold for each other and

Kate Harlow: 00:37:55

to hold each other through painful experiences. But then

Kate Harlow: 00:37:59

they reflect love, and they reflect empowerment, and they

Kate Harlow: 00:38:02

reflect celebration and they they stand with and for each

Kate Harlow: 00:38:06

other and within for themselves. They don't keep each other stuck

Kate Harlow: 00:38:09

in patterns and in victim mentality and in limitation. So

Kate Harlow: 00:38:13

surrounding yourself with a community of women who are

Kate Harlow: 00:38:16

actually self aware and conscious and can hold you to a

Kate Harlow: 00:38:19

higher standard, can remind you of who you are, can help you see

Kate Harlow: 00:38:23

the gifts in this experience and help you reclaim who you are. Is

Kate Harlow: 00:38:27

essential. I would not be where I am today without the sisters I

Kate Harlow: 00:38:31

have in my life and the support system.

Kate Harlow: 00:38:34

And of course, it starts with the support system I have

Kate Harlow: 00:38:36

inside. I'm not just looking to them to rescue me. I'm so rooted

Kate Harlow: 00:38:40

in my own healing and my own love within myself, and then my

Kate Harlow: 00:38:44

friends meet me there, and they pour the same kind of love into

Kate Harlow: 00:38:47

me that I pour into myself. So receiving sisterhood support is

Kate Harlow: 00:38:52

everything. And if you join us in the starting over weekend,

Kate Harlow: 00:38:56

this is it. It's like, literally, the the A to Z on

Kate Harlow: 00:38:59

what you need to know and do and practice in order to use this

Kate Harlow: 00:39:03

time as an opportunity to grow, to transform, to heal, to

Kate Harlow: 00:39:06

become, to create a life you love, to take your power back.

Kate Harlow: 00:39:10

And it's also a time for you to build community, because there's

Kate Harlow: 00:39:13

going to be, it's going to be an intimate group, but interactive.

Kate Harlow: 00:39:17

You will be meeting different women. You'll be having there'll

Kate Harlow: 00:39:20

be hot seats of coaching with me to support you through your own

Kate Harlow: 00:39:23

personal journey. And it's it's going to be a really, really

Kate Harlow: 00:39:27

special experience, so I would love to have you there. This is

Kate Harlow: 00:39:32

such a big topic, obviously, I can only share so much on the

Kate Harlow: 00:39:35

podcast, but you don't have to do this alone, and in fact,

Kate Harlow: 00:39:40

you're a woman, you need community and collaboration and

Kate Harlow: 00:39:43

connection. You're not we're not designed to do it alone. You're

Kate Harlow: 00:39:46

not designed to walk through heartbreak alone in a box while

Kate Harlow: 00:39:49

your friends text you and make sure you're still alive and

Kate Harlow: 00:39:51

you're still you know, eating food like you're designed to do

Kate Harlow: 00:39:54

it in community, to be held and loved and seen and met in

Kate Harlow: 00:39:58

community and. How these painful, heartbreaking, massive,

Kate Harlow: 00:40:05

scary changes become a huge catalyst for growth. So again,

Kate Harlow: 00:40:09

sign up right away and you will get 50% off. The discount code

Kate Harlow: 00:40:13

is expand all capital letters, E, x, P, A, n, d, and the link

Kate Harlow: 00:40:18

is below this episode. You can also go to my Instagram. Kate

Kate Harlow: 00:40:21

Harlow, the unscripted woman. The link is there in my bio, and

Kate Harlow: 00:40:25

it's also on my website, the unscripted woman.com starting

Kate Harlow: 00:40:29

over November 7 to ninth. Would love to see you there. It's

Kate Harlow: 00:40:32

going to be such a beautiful, transformational, healing

Kate Harlow: 00:40:34

weekend. And what a great thing to do before the end of the

Kate Harlow: 00:40:37

year, so that you can wrap your year up with love. You can wrap

Kate Harlow: 00:40:41

your ear up with empowerment, and you can start off 2026 from

Kate Harlow: 00:40:46

a whole different vantage point, a new you, a new beginning, and

Kate Harlow: 00:40:49

you're more than welcome to join us, even if you're not going

Kate Harlow: 00:40:52

through heartbreak or break up, but you're you're going through

Kate Harlow: 00:40:54

a big change in your life, in yourself. This is going to be

Kate Harlow: 00:40:57

such a powerful experience. There's already so many women

Kate Harlow: 00:41:00

who've already worked with me been to the immersion, been to

Kate Harlow: 00:41:03

Kenya, been to expanded love weekends, and they're and

Kate Harlow: 00:41:06

they're signing up too, because they just love the the deepening

Kate Harlow: 00:41:10

of the journey. There's always room to grow more. So we'd love

Kate Harlow: 00:41:14

to have you there. If you enjoyed this episode, spread it

Kate Harlow: 00:41:18

to all your friends. If you know a woman going through heartbreak

Kate Harlow: 00:41:21

or a breakup or a big transition, she needs to hear

Kate Harlow: 00:41:24

this message. Share the message with her, you are not alone, and

Kate Harlow: 00:41:27

this time is exactly as it's meant to be, and it's here to

Kate Harlow: 00:41:31

wake up you and your life in ways that you cannot see right

Kate Harlow: 00:41:34

now, there is a divine orchestration to all of it, a

Kate Harlow: 00:41:37

natural intelligence to life, and when you learn to trust that

Kate Harlow: 00:41:41

and to just lean into it with love, with support, with

Kate Harlow: 00:41:45

mentorship, with guidance, and with sisterhood, you're going to

Kate Harlow: 00:41:50

be so grateful for this time in this portal, because who you

Kate Harlow: 00:41:53

will be and what your life will feel like on the other side is

Kate Harlow: 00:41:55

the most going to be the most extraordinary thing that you

Kate Harlow: 00:41:58

can't even imagine right now. And the last thing I want to

Kate Harlow: 00:42:00

speak to speak to is the whole thing about kids. What matters

Kate Harlow: 00:42:03

to your kids is that you're being real and that you're being

Kate Harlow: 00:42:06

loving and that you're learning and growing from this

Kate Harlow: 00:42:09

experience. That's how you can be the best role model to them,

Kate Harlow: 00:42:12

because they're watching you and they're going to learn so much

Kate Harlow: 00:42:15

more, not you feeding the fantasy story and beating

Kate Harlow: 00:42:17

yourself up for doing something wrong by separating from their

Kate Harlow: 00:42:21

father and changing your life in a big way. What's going to

Kate Harlow: 00:42:24

matter the most and benefit them the most is by you doing so with

Kate Harlow: 00:42:28

love and you modeling life, being opportunities to grow,

Kate Harlow: 00:42:32

because they're going to go through so much change and

Kate Harlow: 00:42:34

transition in their life too, and unexpected twists and turns,

Kate Harlow: 00:42:37

and we need to set them up for that. We don't need to feed the

Kate Harlow: 00:42:40

fantasy story that, oh, we've made a mistake and we should all

Kate Harlow: 00:42:43

be married forever. That is bullshit. That old paradigm is

Kate Harlow: 00:42:46

dying. It's not to say it's not possible, but it's not like, why

Kate Harlow: 00:42:49

is that the goal? Shouldn't why do we celebrate? Oh my gosh, I

Kate Harlow: 00:42:52

haven't thought about this in so long, but like, why do we

Kate Harlow: 00:42:54

celebrate, you know, people's longevity of relationships, even

Kate Harlow: 00:42:59

when they're not happy. I remember my grandparents 70th

Kate Harlow: 00:43:02

wedding anniversary, and they didn't even like each other.

Kate Harlow: 00:43:04

They were mean to each other their whole lives. You know, I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:43:07

sure there, there was love in there, but it was like

Kate Harlow: 00:43:09

dysfunctional love and repressed love, and we celebrated and

Kate Harlow: 00:43:15

gathered with the hundreds of people to celebrate their 70th

Kate Harlow: 00:43:18

wedding anniversary, rather than celebrating people having the

Kate Harlow: 00:43:21

courage to let go, people having the courage to walk away when

Kate Harlow: 00:43:25

something's complete, the experience, the experience is

Kate Harlow: 00:43:28

complete, the growth is complete. And that takes so much

Kate Harlow: 00:43:32

courage to say, I love you and I love me, and let's set ourselves

Kate Harlow: 00:43:36

free so we can become who we're meant to be and what we're meant

Kate Harlow: 00:43:39

to experience next, rather than hold each other back in some

Kate Harlow: 00:43:42

fantasy, some some purgatory, where neither of us are living,

Kate Harlow: 00:43:47

neither of us are growing, neither of us are expanding. And

Kate Harlow: 00:43:50

we're telling ourselves that's the goal, that's not the goal.

Kate Harlow: 00:43:54

The goal is not longevity. The goal is quality. The goal is

Kate Harlow: 00:43:57

expansiveness. The goal is growth. The goal is alignment.

Kate Harlow: 00:44:00

If this is no longer aligned, it's no longer aligned, and

Kate Harlow: 00:44:02

there's nothing wrong with that. It just is what it is, and it's

Kate Harlow: 00:44:05

time for you to align in new ways. So I'm celebrating you.

Kate Harlow: 00:44:10

I'm holding your heart and loving you and just celebrating

Kate Harlow: 00:44:14

your courage to walk through this path. And let me show you a

Kate Harlow: 00:44:18

new way. Join us at starting over November 7 to ninth, and I

Kate Harlow: 00:44:22

will see you next week.